Syndicate

Just act casual. No one will suspect a thing.Let's face it. Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were never really an item. They have/had a movie to promote and that's the Spinster's MO - play it up with a co-star (or paid escort) for the premieres then let him off the leash. They probably threw him a bone for macking it up the way they did. Since a brief and cordial vacation in Mexico they haven't been spotted together.

That's not to say that the Scottish cocksman has been idle. Big dogs, little dogs, short dogs, tall dogs, Gerry's got a leash to fit them all. He looks to be following in the footsteps of Mickey Rourke, who recently bragged of bedding more than a dozen women a night. Butler does appear to have better taste than Rourke, though. According to Hollywood Life, Gerry and Madge got it on at a private Oscars after-party. They didn't leave together, but that doesn't mean anything. They could have met up in the parking lot for a little heel-sit-stay action. I'm sure he brought his muzzle. All good dogwalkers come prepared.

Will anything come of this unusual but saucy pairing? Probably not. Baby Jesus is still buzzing around (and probably still on the payroll) and Butler has said that he won't be ready to marry for another 20, 30 years. Of course by then he'll probably look like Ed Asner, but by then we'll all be over him, too. It all works out.

Looks like he's been snorting himselfAnd then he had to hide from Lindsay Lohan all night. It wasn't easy.

I'm not quite sure what Mickey's doing here. Is he the Joker? Is he Scarface? Ed Begley, Jr.? Not sure. I'm not sure he is, either. You'd think he could afford paying for a costume - or makeup artist. I guess it's a good thing he's not a dad - that look could give anyone nightmares.

Triple Spanx'd for your protectionHow refreshingly honest. Apparently the head heifer at the Triple K Ranch realizes she cannot resist gravity forever ... and when that monster trunk starts to drop she'll be ready for the chopping block.

Perhaps the Kardashian-Jenner household gets a family discount. Kim cannot stop gushing about her stepdad's radical new facelift. I hadn't seen Bruce Jenner in years, and was shocked at what he'd done to his face. He looks like a dotty old lady instead of a former Olympic gold medalist. I guess his "new" face is an improvement over the old one, but he looks like he's been to Mickey Rourke's surgeon. Or Jocelyn Wildenstein's. Somebody should lose their license for that.

Kim, however, is not easily deterred. Having no real job skills to fall back on, she's determined to fight the effects of sun, aging and a hearty appetite to stay in the tabloid spotlight. America truly is the land of opportunity. Where else can you become famous for playing the urinal on film?

Weird to see her soberYou know how Mimi is about the winged worm. If she could trademark it as hers exclusively it still wouldn't be enough. If she could capture all the butterflies in the world and make dresses out of them she'd still feel empty inside. She probably even makes Nick dress up as one so she can be Big Naked Butterfly Hunter.

Tara knew she was taking a big risk by daring to wear a butterfly shirt, but desperate times call for desperate measures. She really thought the movie roles would be pouring in by now. She did the rehab thing. She's been sticking to club soda when she goes out and even uses a stylist to make sure her boobs are covered ... and all she got was a lousy In Touch cover. No one saw it; no one cared.

If Tara is on the wagon, I for one say good for you, girl. She was always a sloppy, nasty drunk, and it was that more than anything that derailed a once-promising career. That and the dollar-store plastic surgeries that left her lumpy, bumpy and numb. I hope somebody gives her a shot at making a comeback. If Mickey Rourke can do it, anyone can.

Will you let me try on your extensions?This may be the closest Lindsay ever gets to an Oscar. I wonder if he'll let her ... touch it.

Sean Penn won the Best Actor last night. He deserved it. At his side was his faithful wife, Robin Wright, who didn't even care that he forgot her in his acceptance speech. She's apparently much used to being forgotten by Sean, and may well prefer it - he must be a real peach to live with.

But Lindsay's not looking for a roommate; she's got one of those, and it even pays her bills. She's just looking for a little male bonding, that little touch that means so much ... that Sam can't give her. Lindsay has been chasing Sean since early December, and it appears she has finally wormed her way in.