Syndicate

I'll wait for you ... in the closetNobody sets off my gaydar like Ryan Seacrest. He could go out with a different, pathetic fame-hungry girl every night of the week, and I'm sure he does. That doesn't mean diddly; Ryan Seacrest is just another guy who wouldn't leave home without his beard. He's not fooling anyone and should just get a good shave already.

But I digress. Can you believe that Seacrest actually had a stalker? Unfortunately for the unlucky in love little mogul, his stalker was the stabbing kind, and had been arrested for coming at the littlest Idol with a knife. The crazy dude plead guilty to felony stalking today and will likely be sentenced to two years in jail and be ordered to stay away from Ryan for ten years. See? It pays to be rich and famous. Go to any battered women's shelter and see if they got a deal that sweet.

Alfie, Chantelle & MaisieHis name is Alfie Patten. And he is 13, although he looks more like 8 or 9. He and his 15-year-old girlfriend, Chantelle, are the proud yet clueless parents of little Maisie Roxanne, who was born earlier this week. Alfie and Chantelle claim they had just one night of unprotected sex. In fact, Alfie said it was his first time.

Both the products of large families on public assistance, it's hardly surprising that the two thought nothing of having the baby themselves. Nor is it surprising that their parents kinda went along with it. Chantelle and Maisie now live with her parents and five brothers in government-subsidized housing. Alfie spends most of his time there as well, and even makes sure to bring a fresh uniform for school the next day.

My heart goes out to these kids, especially poor Alfie, who seems so serious and dedicated to his new family. I hope he stays in school and grows up to be a good father to Maisie. It's kinda sad that this little boy became a dad before his first shave.

You better be looking over your shoulder, young ladyIf she isn't shaking in her shoes yet she's even denser than anyone thought. Etta James has been singing At Last since 1960 and it's her signature song. At 71, she's the living legend, not Miss Hairy Pits Beyonce.

I'm as guilty as anyone. I thought Beyonce's rendering of the song was beautiful; I even posted it here. But if anyone should have been singing it, perhaps it should have been Etta. After all, she didn't read about the Civil Rights era from a book or see it in a movie; she lived it. To give that honor to a young upstart like Beyonce is disrespectful.

Etta's had enough of B nipping at her heels. Cadillac Records was one thing; taking her place on the world stage is another, and Miss Etta's going to kick the shit out of her for it. At a concert in Cleveland, she told the crowd, "You know, your President, the one with the big ears - he ain’t my President - had that woman singing for him at his Inauguration. She’s going to get her ass whooped. How dare Beyonce sing my song that I been singing forever. Now I’m going to sing it for y’all." Just so you know, this is Etta singing At Last about 2 years ago. She can still kick B's ass, and I bet she remembered to shave. It's all about respect, people. Respect.

Someday I'll be the topRyan must remind him of his younger self. Can't you just see Simon tearing up that disco ball? That is some hair. It's like aerodynamic or something.

Even as a dewy fresh youngster Simon had his man boobs, or at least they were in the making. He definitely had his jaunty chin. He probably only had to shave it twice a week back then, but it did jut in a masculine way, didn't it?

Looking at this picture makes us see Simon in a different light than we see him these days. Before he was a gazillionaire he was a hungry young man, not above using his budding sexuality to get ahead. Now that he's much older and infinitely wiser, he keeps that shit under wraps, but just watching Ryan tiptoe across the stage brings it all back. It's enough to make him steal a few nips out of Paula's flask. Half the time she's so far gone she doesn't even notice it's missing.

Stunning necklace, thoughAh, Beyonce. Such a fashion diva, that Miss B (or Mrs. Jay-Z, depending on the circumstances). She usually looks like a million bucks, and did at the Golden Globes, until you took a closer look.

I caught a glimpse of Beyonce's boobie tape while watching the Brangelina snubbing Seacrest video the other day. I had to play it back a couple of times. What was on the side of Beyonce's ridiculously smooshed and overstuffed breast? Oh, dear, I thought. I hope she didn't forget to shave again.

Then I caught this shot, and it all became clear. She's trussed up like a mattress set on top of a station wagon, hanging over the top and sides but not about to go anywhere. I know people do this all the time, but I've never taped my boobs. Ever. Doesn't that hurt like hell to take off? It's like she gets her chest waxed every time she goes strapless. Egads. I guess it's one less spot to shave.