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I'll wait for you ... in the closetNobody sets off my gaydar like Ryan Seacrest. He could go out with a different, pathetic fame-hungry girl every night of the week, and I'm sure he does. That doesn't mean diddly; Ryan Seacrest is just another guy who wouldn't leave home without his beard. He's not fooling anyone and should just get a good shave already.

But I digress. Can you believe that Seacrest actually had a stalker? Unfortunately for the unlucky in love little mogul, his stalker was the stabbing kind, and had been arrested for coming at the littlest Idol with a knife. The crazy dude plead guilty to felony stalking today and will likely be sentenced to two years in jail and be ordered to stay away from Ryan for ten years. See? It pays to be rich and famous. Go to any battered women's shelter and see if they got a deal that sweet.

Eau de manhoI can't keep all his names straight. Does he legally change his name each time, or is all this hoopla just another way to sell records, scents, clothing, vodka, champagne and God knows what else?!?

Even if you're not a fan, you've got to hand it to Sean; the man is a brilliant businessman. Even if his parties aren't what they used to be, he's still raking in the dough at a phenomenal (yet never fully disclosed) rate. He's been rumored to enjoy the warmth of some of Hollywood's most famous and beautiful women, yet still his babymama will take him back in a heartbeat. And why not? He's a devoted, hands-on dad when cameras are around, and he would never disrespect her by publicly flaunting his conquests. If she's fine with that, then so be it.

Will Sean continue his mogul ways, or will he end up a victim of his own extravagance like MC Hammer or Scott Storch? He's smarter than most; I don't expect to see his yard sale sign out any time soon.

But let's talk more about me ...Poor little Seacrest. He's been eating right, working out like a demon to chisel his manly physique. Yet Simon pretends not to notice. He doesn't even really pay attention to what Ryan's saying, just nodding and making eye contact in all the right places. He's such a saltpeter.

Simon has been tormenting Ryan for months on end now, getting the feisty little runt all lathered up then leaving him tied in the corral. He makes a big show of pretending Ryan is an annoying little pest, but you know he relishes his special time with the baby TV mogul.

For his part, Ryan has been doing his damnedest to get us to believe he's all hetero, no cannoli. He's been seen with a couple of women lately but it's not like they're all lovey-dovey - they're walking together but not closely. It looks very contrived. I don't see what his problem is - don't hide from your sexy, Ryan!

You'll have to do better than that to get away from MEApparently Lynne Spears has ambitions of being an entertainment mogul. She can crank out a whole army of underage singing and dancing stars, work them until they fall from grace, dump them and move on to the next generation. The best part is they're family, so she can lock them in until they reach 18. They don't last much longer than that anyway.

It looks like Jamie Lynn's plan of getting out of show business by getting knocked up is backfiring on her. Instead of getting a permanent ticket back to Kentwood, her mother has badgered her into leaving the baby with her and going back to LA. A mysterious inside source said, “Lynne is convinced that having a baby on her hip will not help Jamie Lynn’s future in the business and she’s expecting her daughter to pick up where she left off as soon as the baby is born.” Even hillybilly trailer trash have bills to pay.

It could always be worse. She could be leaving the baby with Britney. I hear she's thinking of starting a day care.