Syndicate

Just act casual. No one will suspect a thing.Let's face it. Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler were never really an item. They have/had a movie to promote and that's the Spinster's MO - play it up with a co-star (or paid escort) for the premieres then let him off the leash. They probably threw him a bone for macking it up the way they did. Since a brief and cordial vacation in Mexico they haven't been spotted together.

That's not to say that the Scottish cocksman has been idle. Big dogs, little dogs, short dogs, tall dogs, Gerry's got a leash to fit them all. He looks to be following in the footsteps of Mickey Rourke, who recently bragged of bedding more than a dozen women a night. Butler does appear to have better taste than Rourke, though. According to Hollywood Life, Gerry and Madge got it on at a private Oscars after-party. They didn't leave together, but that doesn't mean anything. They could have met up in the parking lot for a little heel-sit-stay action. I'm sure he brought his muzzle. All good dogwalkers come prepared.

Will anything come of this unusual but saucy pairing? Probably not. Baby Jesus is still buzzing around (and probably still on the payroll) and Butler has said that he won't be ready to marry for another 20, 30 years. Of course by then he'll probably look like Ed Asner, but by then we'll all be over him, too. It all works out.

Mickey and LokiLainey thinks it's because he went to Paris Hilton's birthday party, but surely even she isn't that toxic ... is she?

Our hearts all broke a little bit today on hearing of Mickey Rourke's beloved Chihuahua Loki, who passed away at the incredibly ancient age of 18 - which would make her 126 in dog years. She went everywhere with Mickey, and even died peacefully in his arms.

Tough guy Mickey was unabashed in his love for dogs in his recent Golden Globes acceptance speech: "I'd like to thank my dogs--those that are gone and those are still with me now... Sometimes when a man's alone, all you got is your dog and they meant the world to me." Amen. Rest in peace, Loki. You were a good girl.

Future cat ladyThat new paid friend better be very careful or she'll be able to share the gift that keeps on giving with all her little BFFs ... and maybe that's the way Paris likes it. She doesn't have to share now.

Even though Wonky's dependence on Valtrex is widely known, it's still a bit shocking to see her with an actual lesion in public. It's so unlike her. Even casually dressed she always looks well put-together - it's like Blohan without the ridiculous extensions or JLo without the Spanx. Just unheard of.

So what's next for Paris? Now that she's broken up with Benji she's a free agent again, but the pickings are slimmer than ever: there's no new prospects that aren't beneath her, and her peers either aren't interested or have moved on to bigger and better. Even Nicky has a steady boyfriend. Is Paris destined to be the next Great American Spinster? I can just see her in ten years, living in a rundown condo with 20 dogs, 50 cats and a chinchilla (much friendlier than that kinkajou).

Jen and her best friendsAnd no one comes between a woman and her dogs. As a former dog owner and lifelong dog lover, I can tell you that if your dog doesn't like someone, get rid of them. The person, that is. Dogs are always right about stuff like that. Seriously.

Jennifer Aniston has a serious dilemma on her hands. After a humiliating divorce and a string of failed flings, she's finally getting a righteous bleeping on a regular basis. He's fun. He's talented. He lets her wear the pants in her house, and doesn't run screaming when she talks about getting more serious. There's just one problem: Jen's dog, Norman, hates him. Norman and Dolly, Jen's other dog, are her life. They were there for her when few others were. They love her no matter what, and they don't try to pee on her.

This is a canine conspiracy. When John was going out with Jessica Simpson, he made fast friends with the illustrious Daisy, who had her misgivings about him but kept her peace because Mommy was so happy. And then he dumped her. Daisy swore she'd get her revenge, and put the word out on Mayer. His name is dirt with the four-legged set, and he better be really careful where he walks.

Still wearing her KedsThings always work out one way or the other. Now that Mischa will forever be branded an unemployable habitual substance abuser at the ripe old age of 21 she can dress like she's going to clown college every day and not give a shit what anyone says. Look at her - she's probably stoned out of her gourd. Even the dogs look wasted! And hungry.

With no one coming to her defense except ex-holster Cisco Adler, Mischa is a lost soul. Her phone stopped ringing months before her arrest for DUI and drugs. Baring her bony sternum, changing her hair color, even cameltoe-ing the mom jeans (don't ask me how) failed to get her back on the A-List. No one who has worked with her in the past will work with her again. No one will give her free clothes anymore - she'll just pass out and soil herself by the end of the night. Too young to retire, too ... seasoned to marry for money, Mischa most likely faces a long, dreary future filled with regret and thoughts of what might've been ... if she'd only been nice, and if she'd just hired a driver.