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I'll wait for you ... in the closetNobody sets off my gaydar like Ryan Seacrest. He could go out with a different, pathetic fame-hungry girl every night of the week, and I'm sure he does. That doesn't mean diddly; Ryan Seacrest is just another guy who wouldn't leave home without his beard. He's not fooling anyone and should just get a good shave already.

But I digress. Can you believe that Seacrest actually had a stalker? Unfortunately for the unlucky in love little mogul, his stalker was the stabbing kind, and had been arrested for coming at the littlest Idol with a knife. The crazy dude plead guilty to felony stalking today and will likely be sentenced to two years in jail and be ordered to stay away from Ryan for ten years. See? It pays to be rich and famous. Go to any battered women's shelter and see if they got a deal that sweet.

Guess I'll just write from here on inWhat a dad Ryan O'Neal is. He wasn't actually doing those nasty drugs the cops found in his house; he was just "trying to keep them away" from his son Redmond. That is a line of hooey. Ryan may be a great actor, but the only one he's fooling here is himself.

Nonetheless he had to know that a trial would air a lot of really dirty laundry (they might fly Tatum out and who knows what she'd say), so he wisely copped out yesterday, pleading guilty to one felony count of possession of methamphetamines. He has to undergo 18 months in a drug treatment program and may not possess any controlled substances or consort with known druggies ... except for Redmond, of course. He's got to stick around; Griffin might lock him in the dog run again.

Speaking of that little O'Neal that could but couldn't stop, Redmond still has to face the music for the charges he earned on that same fateful day. His case was continued until next month. If he stays away from dad he might have a good chance of staying clean. (Ouch. Did I say that?)

Dear Tom, Have fun in the shower. Love, HeidiHeidi may or may not be having the last laugh, but Tom won't be around to hear it - the five felony drug charges he was hit with in May resulted in a bench warrant for violation of probation.

Hoping for leniency if he surrendered, Tom arrived at the LA County courthouse Monday morning, but was seized before the presiding judge even made it into the building. So much for that legal loophole. He was held without bail until his next hearing on June 19. This could be the last straw for Sizemore, who really seemed to be doing well for a while, but fell off the wagon yet again. His battles with addiction have destroyed a once promising career and he seems almost a parody of his former self.

Former paramour/current nemesis Heidi Fleiss seems to be doing a much better job of flying below the radar these days, whether she's clean or not. Fleiss tried to open a legal bordello in Nevada last year, but was unable to get it off the ground due to neighborhood opposition and a general lack of interest.

Mugshot (TMZ Exclusive)