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Even now cannot escape his fatherWill somebody please muzzle Joe Jackson? His latest line of crap is that he had to beat his children to keep them out of gangs. Everyone knows he only beat them when they didn't make enough money for him. I think gang life would have been a welcome respite from life in Joe's house.

What's going on here is really tragic. Joe Jackson tormented the shit out of Michael his entire life. Adding insult to injury, he also had his hand out to him, demanding MIchael support him as he'd always done. It got so bad that Michael cut off all contact with his father, but it was no use, as Mama Katherine allowed Joe to manipulate her so he could still enjoy the lifestyle he has no right enjoying. That Joe Jackson was excluded from his son's estate was no accident or oversight, but Joe will be God-damned if anyone thinks he's gonna take that lying down. He thinks Michael would have been nothing without him, and he may be right, but at least Michael would have had a chance at a normal, happy life.

No, sillies, that's NOT Anna in the pictureSay what you will about Anna Wintour, but there's a reason she's been at the helm of Vogue for a 30-some-odd years. Nobody knows style better, and nobody can see through a poseur faster than Anna.

Anna was on Jimmy Kimmel the other night and talked about her encounter with the talented yet ridiculously overwrought Gaga at her annual Costume Institute Gala. She found Gaga backstage "praying to God to let her start the performance." Anna, famous for her inability to suffer a food, gladly or otherwise, gave Jimmy the ol' "BITCH, PLEASE" eye-roll as she told the story, too. Priceless. Who knows? Maybe Gaga's wackiness stems from her "occasional" cocaine use. Everybody knows that powder will make you crazy.

I think Lady Gaga should worry more about her music and less about her elaborate costumes and epic performance pieces. Already her songs are kinda sounding the same. People often compare Gaga to Madonna, but Madge would completely reinvent herself every couple of years, with all new looks and completely different music. I think Gaga is more smoke and mirrors; she would do well to take a few pages from Madge's playbook instead of trying to outdo her. It'll never happen. Shit, Madge's 14-year-old daughter Lourdes has more style in her little finger than Gaga has in her entire closet.

I guess pink's better than orange any day, right? OK, seriously, Pink Taco is the name of the restaurant chain that Harry Morton's family runs. Get your minds out of the gutter, people. Then again, the Spinster's all oompa-loompa, too, so maybe he likes 'em orange. There's just no accounting for taste.

Ahh, but we all know taste has nothing to do with the men Maniston dates. Their fees are probably pro-rated by the amount of publicity they can generate. Over the last month her spin doctors have been planting rumors about her dating all kinds of guys, married, single and imaginary, to try to get suckers into the theaters to watch her latest loserHarry the hottie: Is he broke? flick. Even the mention of John Mayer possibly coming in for a nostalgia f**k failed to rouse the public's interest.

Enter the sweet young thang that is Harry Morton - I thought he was hot when Lindsay had him. Then Kimberly Stewart tried to abduct him and eat his brains for a while, but he somehow managed to escape and he's been living a quieter life since then. At least until now. If he becomes Jen's latest rent-a-date he can kiss that quieter life behind ... at least until his contract runs out. Then, like the others before him, he'll scamper off into the sunset with a case of Smart Water and the memories of their magical time together. I wonder if she'll make him put out. I know I would.

Oh, look! She's in her favorite position!I mean, how could she not? She got a little taste of fame when her fiance died in the World Trade Center attack, and she took to it like a cracky to the stem. She was a mousy little blond then; she got her boobs done, her lips inflated, etc., etc., and then set out to starf**k her way to the top. Gotta hand it to her, too - she did better than most. David Boreanaz, Tiger Woods, and God knows how many other wealthy married men were chewed up and spit out in her quest. Yes, that's right, Rachel. God knows, and yes, you will burn.

Tiger knew what she was all about. That's why his $10 million settlement came with a gag order prohibiting her from talking about him at all. She can't even mention his name or risk having to give it all back, and let's face it, this is a bitch who gives nothing back. Her dead fiance's family could tell you that.

So for this piece of shit attention whore to show up at Ground Zero, sacred to all New Yorkers, with Dr.-F**king-Drew and a camera crew to film a spot where she reads a letter to her lost love and gets all emotional for the cameras ... bitch, PLEASE. That's sacrilege, like filming porn in the vestibule of St. Patrick's, to those of us who lived through that terrible, terrible time. So, yes, Rachel, you will burn in hell for what you've done. I only wish I could be there to light the wick and hand out the marshmallows. Shameless, disgraceful, soulless bitch.

I'll violate you like a parking meterYes, and I understand he got rather pissy with the cop who pulled him over. Stallone's ego is legendary; I can just hear him saying, "Don't you know who I am? Don't you know who the F**K I am?" Just look at the puss on his face!

Sly's new movie is doing pretty well at the theaters, but it's nothing compared to the way he used to pack 'em in. For those of you too young or too fried to remember, this is the guy who wrote, starred in and received an Oscar for Rocky. Laugh if you will, but that was a great freakin' movie, one of my guilty pleasures. (All of the Rocky films are. Hey, I never claimed to be an Ebert.) He was also Rambo ... and then there were gems like Judge Dredd and that wretched thing about his mother. Can't win 'em all, I guess, but you have to admit he's got a better track record than most, yet he doesn't have the A-list clout he used to - and it must piss him off something fierce.